SEATTLE, WA – After realizing there is “no way” Chuck E. Cheese would close every time the Seahawks play, twelve-year old Cody Shepherd came to the conclusion that his dad is completely full of shit. “There’s just no way!” yelled Cody, hardly off the bus. “How much business are they really losing to game day? Are they even targeting the same audience? I know I’m just a kid, but this math doesn’t add up.”
Little did Cody know that this bitter discovery would mark the first of many to eventually culminate in a complete loss of respect for Mr. Shepherd, the man formerly known as “Dad,” and currently sneered at as “Hank.”
In the weeks following his epiphany, Cody came to terms with the fact that being “daddy’s little helper” really meant wandering through The Home Depot for a Saturday he could not get back, and, furthermore, that “the car” they had been working on may have just been an excuse to get out of the house. “Or away from mom,” Cody added, chewing on a toothpick. “I’m still working it out.”
Seemingly precocious for his age, Cody is actually one of the many fifth graders who have begun to see their parents for the conniving men and women they always were.
“As kids grow up, usually before hitting their teens, they start to recognize kindness as bait for chores and errands,” said childhood development specialist Roland March. “Even as early as fourth grade, children begin to identify pizza with mom as rushed Sbarro’s followed by hours of crying in a Sears’ changing room. Or, alternatively, that going to the bar with dad means dangling over an awkwardly-tall stool next to men that share none of their core values, like first person shooters or swoopy hair.”
“Dads, in particular, can get away with this kind of behavior by what’s known as the Being Taller effect,” Marsh continued. “The substantial difference in height forces the child to literally look up to the father, which triggers blind faith in propositions that border on the insane. We see this effect at work in the ‘I’ve got your nose’ game, in which a child truly believes that his father has removed his nose, when, in reality, such a feat could not be possible without severe medical consequences.”
Mr. Shepherd could not be reached for comment, on the grounds that his internet and phone automatically shut off in conjunction with the big game.